Can't Stop Won't Stop

One year later...

Let me start by thanking God along with each and every one of you. The love from everyone really gave me the strength to push through.

Continuation from where I left off. I had a fairly successful mammaplasty on my right breast. Another positive about going through breast cancer...I got an upgrade. I was not one that thought of having an augmentation. But if I must go through 30+ chemo infusions treatments, mastectomy, 25 radiation treatments, echocardiograms, MRIs, CT scans, PET scans, Savi scout antennas, lymph nodes removed, and whatever I was dealing with my body while going through all this...I might as well get upgraded.

The anesthesiologist gave me a bit too much of the good stuff. When I woke up from the outpatient surgery, it was like my Def Leppard night (some of you may have heard that story...Mark is definitely an angel). Since it was outpatient, I was placed in a recovery room which was a large room that had about at least a dozen other patients. Our areas were separated by curtains. Yes, the patients heard all my dry heaving. The nurses gave me everything they could give me. I told them all I need to do is get some sleep. About a few hours later, I was fine. A bit dehydrated fortunately not making any more raucous in the recovery room. Then I had a visit from the anesthesiologist and he said if I ever have another surgery let them know that I am sensitive to the meds and I don't need much. And I said, don't you worry I will not forget what I went through. Now I have it in writing and letting you all know too.

I also decided to have my chemo port removed; which was on my right side. The surgeon was going to be on that side any way. Since I had that tube inside for a year and a half, it left a tube like impression on my neck for a while. So when I looked at myself on the mirror, I thought it wasn't removed and I called the doctor to make sure.

During recovery, I had an allergic reaction. Honestly, I thought I had developed eczema. I had rashes on my extremities (my thighs and arms) and my head. It was itchy and bumpy. I changed hair products and was using Head and Shoulders. I bought eczema creams and soothing pads. I called all my doctors. Ended up seeing my PCP. He is the best BTW. He said I don't have eczema and instead I was having an allergic reaction. Since I just had surgery and still recovering, his prescription was 2 pills of OTC Benadryl every 4 hours which one makes me drowsy so having two I am the life of the party (insert sarcasm tone). Then he also said to pretty much bathe in calamine or caladryl lotions. So about a week or so of this, the rashes subsided and I was healing pretty nicely. But boy it is another adventure I don't wish on anyone.

Other medical things that remained are:

- my heartburn didn't subside so famotidine is part of my daily meds

- my WBC is still low at below 4 (normal should be 4-11)

- I developed a bulging disc at my L5-S1

- lymphedema

- menaopause (good thing for me since it means no more endometriosis)

The good stuff...WE GOT ENGAGED!

When restaurants first started to open up for some dining in May 2020, Mark said since we didn't properly celebrate my last treatment we should make a reservation somewhere. So the first thing I did was call my medical oncologist and asked if I can have sushi again. I got the green light! Sushi Otta here we come! What I thought was a celebration of restaurants opening up and my last chemo treatment, we added to it with a proposal from Mark right after we finished our meal. Mark started to say something about how he wanted to do something on 4/30 but wanted it to be a big celebration and how much he loves me...pops out a box and opens it up with a spotlight beaming on a beautiful ring...I honestly don't remember what else was said or if I even let him finish. I started tearing up and said this is happening now? Wow it lights up! Wait is this really happening? Then I turned to him and said are you going to ask me? (LOL) He proposed and I said YES!

Many of you know how active I like to be. My body is not the same, but sometimes I think it is. Physical therapy helped me get some range of motion. I started doing some workouts and riding my bike on a trainer. Then I pushed myself a bit too hard. My left arm and the area on my left clavicle started to swell up. That's when reality about lymphedema hit me. I slowed down and started wearing my compression sleeves and gloves when I do any strenuous activities. My other saving grace is Iyengar Yoga. Chere (check out OB Yoga) has created some gentle sequences which is specific to what my body went through and breast cancer. With practice, my range of motion and reach has improved even more.

SURVIVORSHIP

I am going to be very honest with everyone. Just recently...the past few months I realized that I was withdrawn and not feeling quite like myself. I think I tried to keep myself busy with work, online shopping, and trying to do something physical to get my body ready for a wedding dress. In reality, I did not want to address the feelings that were coming up that I could not explain. It got to a point where I was crying and could not understand why. I would go off in a room at the house by myself and cry. Or shower and cry. Or walk Ocean and cry. All of this while I was by myself. I did not want anyone at the house to know or see the pain I was feeling. I am the positive half glass full person...why am I crying?!?! I am alive...why am I crying?!?! I am surrounded with people that love and care about me...why am I crying?!?! I couldn't answer...

My chest felt heavy and constricted. I withdrew more from people. I felt anxious when surrounded by people and not because of the pandemic (I really tried to stay away from all the stores). I preferred to be at home all the time and released even more tears whenever the house was empty (which is unusual at our house). Those of you that know me know that I am an early bird. Well, it felt like work to open my eyes and get myself out of bed.

So I started to see my therapist more regularly (virtually). What I'm going through is grief.

So please know that it's not personal if I was not as communicable with you especially in the more recent months.

I am getting better each day. This morning I went out for a jog and reflected about what today means. I cried but this time I knew why and it gave me joy to cry. It was a good feeling. I wanted to share my vulnerability with all of you since all of you have been through this journey with me. You are my family!

I have breast friends out there that I know will read and understand this as well. And if they should ever feel the way I have felt, I want to share with them that they're not alone and it's ok. My title and shirt with a fitting message...Dont Stop Won't Stop to me means to keep doing what I was doing even when things seems a bit tough. You are worth it!

Writing this to everyone is healing for me. So again, I will leave off with my gratitude to all of you and God!

Much love,

Ave